i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
