Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
