i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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