do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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