watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize