God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
