I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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