my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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