Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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