I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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