I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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