I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
