First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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