He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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