you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
