The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
