The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
