last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
