found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
