you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Randomize
