I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
