Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
