I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
