I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
