no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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