Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
