A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
