areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
