i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
