So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
