She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
