i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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