just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize