The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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