You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
