I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
