The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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