u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My vagina just recognized that song.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
