allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize