I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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