i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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