our cab driver is having phone sex.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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