I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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