Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
