If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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