i already hear my dad disowning me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
