the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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