He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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