in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
