you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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