"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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