i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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