Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
