just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
