if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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