Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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