I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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