i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
