I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
