Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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