saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just invented taco cereal.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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