Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize