i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
false alarm. still invincible.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
