i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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