Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
